The last few weeks have consisted of a series of sex-goddess epic fails. As per my last post, I recently decided to stop complaining about being a boyfriend-less loser and embrace it. I was supposed to transform myself into sassy sex-goddess dedicated to the pursuit of pleasure. I envisioned something like this lady I am turning out to be nothing like that lady and a lot like my usual self. I have bought some lacy knickers, but so far the only time anyone besides me has seen them is when they have been drying on the clothes line.
Sex-Goddess Fail Number 1.
I went out with some girlfriends all prettied up and determined to rock a new confident attitude with the blokes. Too much wine later and I was crying to my friends “Oh God! I am the ugliest girl on the dance floor!” I went home alone, passed out, woke up and vomited.
Blokes pulled – 0
Sex Goddess Fail Number 2.
There I was, undies off, legs spread, while a young woman diligently aimed laser beams at my fanny. My pubic hair grows like some sort of noxious weed and I had decided that it was going to take more than a razor if I was going to transform myself into a true Sex-Goddess.
It was awful. It felt like someone flicking a rubber band on my flaps. As I lay there writhing in pain, I started to resentful.
Who’s idea was this anyway?
For, oh I don’t know, around 100,000 years of human civilisation, it was considered perfectly normal and acceptable for grown women to have hair on their bits. I cursed modern society and its expectations. Advertising tells me every day that pretty much everything, from the hair on my head to the skin on my toes is too dry/oily/wobbly/wrinkly/dark/light and not right in any way possible and I need to buy this, that and this chemical to fix it. Because apparently I’m worth it. Now my vagina isn’t good enough either? Oh fuck off!
The pain became simply too much, before she was anywhere near finishing, I said suddenly; “Stop! I can’t take it!” I got up, pulled on my knickers and got out of there. Hair is already starting to grown back in a weird and patchy way making my vagina look as though it has been exposed to radiation.
Designer Vaginas achieved – 0
Sex-Goddess Fail Number 3 Last night I briefly met the unrequited love of my life. This guy- Ever since I saw him some time in the mid 2000’s I have had a huge crush on the comedian Arj Barker. He is currently touring Oz, so when I saw he was performing near me I grabbed a ticket and went along.
It. Was. Awesome. At one point during the show, he said something that everyone thought was a bit funny, but I thought was hysterical and I let out this huge, weird laugh/cackle. Then the entire audience laughed at my laugh and Arj Barker said;
“Well I made a cat laugh, so that’s great.”
Arj Barker commented specifically on my laugh. Surely that must mean something?
At the end of the show he was signing autographs for everyone. I stood in line, waiting to buy some stickers so I could have something for my love to sign. There I was, getting closer, and closer. My heart was pounding in my chest I was so nervous. I could have tried to say something witty about how I was the cat he made laugh, or maybe told him in a flirty voice how great I thought he was and how much enjoyed the show the show, but instead our exchange went like this
Arj Barker – “Hey what’s your name.”
Arj Barker- “So that’s e. v. i. e.”?
Me- “Yeah, that’s right”.
Arj Barker then autographed the back of my sticker pack and handed it back to me.
Me – “Thank you”.
And that was the end of that.
I suppose I should be glad that my celebrity crush is Arj Barker and not, I don’t know, Prince Harry or One Direction. At least I got to meet him, however briefly. I’m pretty sure you can’t see Prince Harry at the Doylo RSL Club on a Sunday night, then stand in line for ten minutes after and ask him to sign your stickers.
Celebrities slept with – 0
So, as it is turning out, I am crap at being sexy and it is not helping my bet.* So far it stands at Evie-0 Olly-1
*For those of you who have never read this blog before, I have a bet with one of my housemates about who can sleep with the most people this summer. You can read more about it here.